Are things finally turning around?!?

So I will start with a positive this time, many or most I should say, of my last posts have been rather depressing. I had my meeting with the Principal and I think I got things worked out, I showed him that I really am a good teacher and that I'm here for the right reasons and no matter what anyone says to me I will continue to do what I do.

I also finally found a way to ask my mother how long it took her to get pg with me. I worked it in to a conversation so she would have no clue that we are trying. It took her 2 years. I'm only at the one year mark, I'm hoping it doesn't take me that long, but if it does it does, as long as I get to have a baby.

In an update to my pg SIL, she now thinks she may be having twins because her numbers were higher than her ultrasound was measuring?? Not sure it that really means anything, but she just had to drop that one on me last week the same day that AF came.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

Wednesday's Meeting

I wrote in my last post that I had a meeting with my department AP and my school Principal on Wednesday.

I was very nervous because I didn't know what it was about. They wouldn't tell me.

I go in and the Principal says first off relax, so I'm thinking ok maybe I haven't done anything wrong.

Boy was I wrong! Basically everything that my AP had already discussed with me was brought up again. She told him that I couldn't write lesson plans, and that I didn't know how to write an appropriate objective. That she felt lost when she observed my class.

Never once have I had a student say anything like that to me. Neither of my mentors have ever said anything either!

She slammed me pretty hard infront of him, and then when I tried to defend myself she did not support me at all. I thought that was what administration was there for, not to bring you down.

I also felt like she should have given me time to improve and then maybe gone to see the Principal. I have been teaching for 2 months, I know there are still kinks to be worked out. But instead of letting me work them out she went behind my back and went to the Principal.

Now they are putting a Professional Improvement Plan in to action for me. And it will go in my file. That really just sucks! Two months on the job and I already have a letter in my file, yea that is going to look really good!

I am so frustrated. I feel like I have no support from my Admin. my co-workers are great though. This just sucks!

What a week...

This has not been the best week, although we have had lots of sexy time, haha. DH and I have had a few arguments and what not. Nothing to serious and we got everything resolved immediately.

My parents and sister have been on a cruise all week, which sucks because I talk to my mom and sister at least once everyday. They are coming home today though!

Yesterday I would have to say was the worst day of the whole week though. Everything was going just fine then at the end of the day I get an e-mail from my Assistant Principal saying I have arranged a meeting with the Principal and I Wednesday at 11 am. No explanation nothing. So I tried to find her to ask what it was about and where it was and she was in a meeting. Now I had my formal observation a few weeks back and she gave me a couple low marks, so that was all I could think.

On the other hand I proposed a new course for next school year and I am just hoping and praying that is what it is about.
I e-mailed her to see if I needed to bring anything and all she responded was you will not need to bring anything. So now I have to go until Wednesday not knowing if its about my class or if I'm going to get my butt chewed! Blah!!

The worst part of the day was when I saw that my SIL had posted on MySpace that she had just found out some exciting news! I new immediately that she was pg again. So I messaged her but she didn't respond so I text her and she told me. Now she doesn't technically know we are trying but she has asked enough questions that I assume she at least thinks we have been trying. She was so insensitive. When she told me she, I respond that's what I figured. The she responds, don't sound to excited. And I just didn't respond, she is unmarried already has one child that she can't take care of, and is in an abusive relationship. So she then text me again saying WOW! I take that as a no, well I'm excited and scared at the same time. She had another baby almost 2 1/2 years ago that died shortly after birth. And mind you I would be terrified too, but she doesn't need another baby.

She messaged me back last night and told me that she and her bf were both in counseling and that he was going through anger management. That his mom (who hated her) had excepted her back into her life and that she just wants her family to do the same. She doesn't seem to get the fact that we don't want a man who has beat her repeatedly in our homes. So she then told me that until we did except the fact that she was with him and allow him into our homes that she nor our nephew would be involved in any family holidays.

So she is taking him away! I just cried, DH got home and I told him he was floored but not overly surprised, he knew it was coming just as I did. But I told him that we have been trying for a year and she can just get knocked up, we have a loving home and supportive families, and we could afford a child.

Sometimes life just doesn't seem fair, but I trust that God knows what he is doing, I may not understand it now, but I will one day.

When will it end??

When will all of the death in my family end? I'm so tired of losing the people that I love.

Thursday night my great-aunt died, she was only 59 and has a son the same age as me. Minus the diabetes and kidney failure, the same thing took her that took my grandma and great-grandma already this year.

My parents and left yesterday for a cruise so I am left to represent that part of my family. My mom called me this afternoon to tell me that my Papa's brother had died last night. That is 4 people in 5 months. I'm not sure how much more of this I can handle.

Meanwhile we are still trying to get PG, but for some reason this weekend (I should be ovulating tomorrow) every time I bring up anything sexual DH acts like I have the plague or something. I cried for a while earlier, I still feel like crap.

We went to an ATV safety class today and now my knee is swollen and hurts like the dickens.

Oh yea and when I came home I got in the shower and before I could get both legs shaved the water softener kicked in to cycle through and I lost water pressure.

This day sucks! I can't wait for it to be over!!

My NP Appointment

So I had my appointment with my NP today and she was amazing!
I took her my charts and she was super supportive, she said thats the way she figured out her cycles when she had her kids. She said based on my charts she can clearly see that I am ovulating, and that I have a good LP length, its 13 days. She said that because we had such a rocky first 6 or so months of trying that she wanted me to wait 3 more months and see what happens. She said that since I now know when I am ovulating that she wants us to have sex at least everyother day from CD 10 or 11 through CD 16 or 17.
Before I left she told me that she had a good feeling about next cycle for me, I really hope she is right. When I got home I saw a rainbow, I have seen about 5 of them since my grandma passed in May and I really believe that she sends them to me to let me know that everything is going to be ok.
The only thing that kind of made me mad at my appointment today was the nurse that does your workup before you see the Dr. or NP. She asked if my hunny and I had been able to get away for a weekend and get sloppy drunk, because that really works you know! WOW! This was after I told her that I have been off BCPs for almost a year, I was not pleased!
Other than that I could not have asked for a better appointment and my NP said if your not pg in 3 months we will get the ball rolling on those tests!

Mini Meltodown

Well let me start by saying that I am proud of myself that I was able to keep it together until I got home. Now on to what happened. We were invited to a wedding of a long time friend of DH's. He and the bride are both members of the local volunteer fire department that my H volunteers on. The bride is also in the military. They told everyone when they decided to get married in July that they wanted to be pg by December so she didn't have to be deployed.

At that point we had been trying for 7 months and all I could say was I hope that works out for ya. Right before the toast I hear the bride say I can't have anything...he says a couple sips won't hurt you. Then after the toast he stands up and thanks everyone for coming...blah, blah, blah. The she whispers something in his ear and he says oh and one more thing we are 10 weeks pregnant. My heart sank. I was soo sad. When we got home DH went to watch TV and I went to the bedroom and cried. I got it out and was over it in a matter of minutes but it stung really bad.

Meltdown :*(

I had my first ever TTC related meltdown. It was sparked by something silly, and then I just lost it. I know that I cried for at least and hour. I had a billion things running through my head.

FF is making it seem that I haven't o'd yet, which I was almost certain I had, I even went back to TCOYF to look at the charts in there and given my temp pattern so far its possible. I also had really good timing within that time frame. If I really o'd yesterday or O today like FF seems to think then I am SOL.

I was trying to go to sleep and it just hit me. Our best friends were pg after 3 cycles and ask all the time when we are going to give their son someone to play with. We started trying right after their son was born and he will be 1 the beginning of October. A 16 year old girl I work with at the grocery store is 6 months pg. Some other friends of ours got pg almost right away with their second this summer. All I could think was this is so not fair, I want this soo bad and can't have it and everyone around me does it with such ease. I wanted to talk to my husband about it, but he was sound asleep, so I just let him sleep.

Then I was thinking about my grandma and great-grandma and how its not fair that we lost them both so close together. So yea I had a rough night, and I'm not seeing today as being any better. I go into school at 11am and will get off from the grocery store at 10pm. I will be so exhausted that I won't feel like bding and yet another cycle will be down the tubes :(

I know that the fact that we are having to wait so long will only make us appreciate what we have even more when we finally have a baby, but this waiting stuff sure can put a lot of strain on ya.

It's been a while...

So I haven't posted since the beginning of August and here it is the middle of September. August was a very dramatic, traumatic, exciting time for me. So charting kinda got put on the back burner as did TTC because of travel, however we did manage to make things happen around the time they should have, but again because I wasn't charting I don't know that for sure.

Where to start, on Sunday August 10th my great-grandmother fell and broke her hip, she was 78 and had lots and lots of medical issues. We were leaving that day for the beach and the Drs. acted like everything would be fine so we went. Wednesday we get a frantic call from my aunt who says the Drs. have now told her that my Nana would not make it through the operation. So we packed up and came back home. My husband left on Thursday the morning of the operation to go to Illinois for his bff from colleges wedding.

My Nana made it through the surgery just fine and my husband called and said if you can get a flight then come on out for the wedding. I had to work Friday so I couldn't have gone with him anyway. So I found a flight to leave the airport closest to home at 6:20 am and arrive in Evansville, IN (about 30 mins from where the wedding was) at 11 am. The wedding was at 6 and I was there in plenty of time for everything. I wasn't going to go, but because my Nana came out of surgery safely and the fact that just 3 months before I had lost my grandma at 58 years old, I decided I wasn't going to let my life pass me by.

The wedding was great and we had a blast, plus we got some great quality time together driving 12 hours back home together.

By the time we got back home they told us my Nana had a blockage in her leg and that it needed to be amputated, however that she was not strong enough to survive the operation. My family decided to stop all medical treatment only giving her meds to help with the pain. It was this or her passing from the gang green that would set in, in her leg.

My mothers birthday is August 26th and we were all praying that she would survive past midnight, but it wasn't looking like that would happen. At 11:30 she stopped breathing we all came into the room with her obviously very upset and then she started gasping, we thought it was her body releasing gasses, but no, she started breathing again. And continued to breath until 12:55 on August 27th. She went very peacefully with the whole family in the room with her. I haven't quite figured out how to cope with it yet, however writing seems to be therapy for me. Both she and my grandma were so full of life a short time before their deaths and I think that is what makes their passing so much harder to accept.

On a lighter note I started my first official teaching job 2 weeks ago. And so far so good. For the most part all of my kids are really great, I have a few that I am going to make great before the end of the year, they just need that little extra push from someone who cares. I am also writing a proposal for a class to be offered next year on the history of our county! I am very excited about that.

Although I did not have the best summer, it had its moments and I know that things can only get better. My husband and I have started really trying again to make our dreams of having a baby come true. I have my yearly coming up soon, so I will know more about my situation then hopefully. I know we haven't been right on target every month, but 12 cycles and 10 months is starting to wear on me. Hopefully I will be posting great news very soon.

My goal over the next few weeks is to blog more, I think it will be an important part of keeping my sanity!

What a week :(

This week as been terrible from the jump.

Rewind to Monday night, I get a phone call, I don't recognize the number, so I answer anyway. It was a member of an organization that I am the Vice President of the auxiliary for. I am also planning the Christmas party, this individual wants us to have a band at the party. He also tells me that another member of my organization, and the former president, gave him my number, this is a person who I considered a friend. There are 3 reasons that we feel the band is not a good choice for this event, #1 they only play country music, our members range from senior citizens to teens, #2 its very expensive compared to having a DJ, and #3 a DJ would play longer.

I explained to the member that we had basically decided, nothing set in stone, but that we would not be having the band. He then proceeded to raise his voice and tell me that I was not doing my job. What a jerk! So I called my President and she called him, and made him call and apologize, just it wasn't even a real apology. Here is the just of the voicemail, no I did not even get it while I was talking to him, "I'm sorry if I was rude or got upset with you, but I just wanted to make sure you were doing what you are supposed to."

So I tell my husband and he is ready to go off, it was bad. Then I tell him who gave him my number so he text that girls husband telling him that if she ever gives my number out again, both of their numbers will be blocked from our phones.

The next day "my so called friend" calls to tell me that she is sorry. I didn't answer the phone so she sent me a text, which I forwarded to my husband. He then forwards me the text from her husband, that says "'A" stated she did not give out her number." Funny thing she just sent me a text to apologize. At this point I was so mad that I couldn't talk to her. They LIED!

I finally text her back and she called again, so I figured I may as well talk to her, thinking it would be oh, I'm so sorry it won't happen again, and it would be over.

Boy was I wrong, after the oh, I'm so sorry part, she proceeded to tell me what I am doing wrong in running the organization. Yet we have doubled our membership in the last two months. That all of these people keep calling her and telling that they are not happy with the way things are going. If they are so displeased then why aren't they coming to us?? At the end of the conversation she says well I'm going to let you go, unless you have something you would like to say, and I didn't know what to say.

I think I have finally seen the true colors of this individual, and that she never really was a friend in the first place. If someone can't be happy for you when you are successful then I guess they really are not a friend. It hurts because I have given the last 4 years being a good friend to this person.

Oh well its time to move on, I'm headed to the beach for 5 days, that should get things off my mind and hopefully everything will have cooled off by the time I get back home.

What a weekend!

Wow! This weekend was such a roller coaster ride. Friday night was pretty much calm, nothing exciting.

Saturday was ok, I took the Praxis II social studies content knowledge that morning, had to get up at 5:30 am to be there on time that was no fun. Don't know how I did on the test. I just want my scores back.

Saturday evening, we went out in the river and spread my grandma's ashes at her favorite fishing spot. It was hard, but nice. When we went out it was raining, but as we came out of the creek the sun came out. My great-grandfather said a little prayer, and spread the ashes and we all threw flowers out to follow the ashes down the river. We brought some balloons for the little kids to let go. When they let them go, they went up soo high. The sun was shining down through the clouds, and it looked like the balloons went right up into the clouds. I asked my little cousin where the balloons were going and he said to heaven. It would make your heart melt.

My grandma was everything to that little boy, and he new that she was having a party up in heaven!

Sunday morning at 3:30 am I get a phone call from a friend of mine, I was groggy so I didn't answer, but then she called again at 4:45, so I had to answer. She just lost her grandmother last week, and then the day of her grandma's funeral, sometime near 3:30 am when she called me the first time, her step-brother was in a very serious car accident and had to be cut out of his truck. He was flown to the hospital and said to be in a coma, I'm going to call her today to check on everything.

After that it was great, we had our big softball tournament. It is a double elimination tourney, and last season we lost the first two games and we were done. We lost our first game Sunday morning, due to a bad call if you ask me, but you can't really go against the oldest ump in the league and the commissioner of the league, who was playing on the other team. The second game, we were ready, we had beat that team 16 to 1 two weeks prior. We won, we were on to game three, we started immediately! This team we had not beat all season and a win would be great! We whooped 'em. 18-10! Wooo Hooo! Then we had to play the first team we played again, ugh. It was close but in the end they beat us by one run.

Even though it meant our season was over, we had some major victories! Now we are ready for fall ball!

I Got the Job!!!

I am thrilled beyond words right now, you just have no idea! I got a letter last week saying that I was not chosen for a teaching position at my old high school. But there were two positions available, one full-time the other part-time. When I got the letter it did not specify full or part-time so I just assumed I didn't get either. I was crushed. Then at 5:30, yes 5:30 this afternoon, I get a call saying that they chose me for the part-time position!! I was so excited! They had to present my name to the school board tonight! I was at my parents when I got the call and came out of the laundry room screaming! Its such a huge relief knowing that I have a position! And since it is only part-time, I can work another job and go back to school! I am sooo freakin' excited!!

PS: Its for World History I & II, so freshman and sophomore history!

I'm Livid!!

I am so mad right now, at myself and at others. I had an interview at a grocery store this morning that is 20 minutes from my house, no big deal. Its not really what I wanted for the summer, but I need something so why not. I left early because I wasn't really sure how long it would take me. So I sat in the car for about 15 minutes before I went in. When I got out of the car I hit the door lock and shut the door. I immediately knew what I had done. I locked my keys in the car. Crap! So I go inside and tell them that I am here for my interview and they look at me all funny. Turns out the person that set up the interview did not inform the person that was doing the interview that I was coming and she left before I went inside, I'm pretty sure I saw her leave. Double Crap! So after we discovered that there would be no interview I asked to use the phone because I had locked my keys and phone, I never take my phone in to an interview with me, in the car. They let me use the phone and I called my husband, who was working about an hour away today. Again Crap! So he tells me to call my grandparents or my FIL so I called my mom to get my grandparents work number, because they are only 2 minutes away. But they are on vacation. So I called my FIL and he went to my house and got my spare key and brought it to me. Thank heavens for my FIL!

So far today has sucked beyond belief. Yesterday wasn't much better. After softball my mom had me come over to her house to get some more of my stuff from when I was a kid. And ended up getting me to go through all of mine and my sisters baby clothes. It made me so sad, because they do not know that we have been trying for over 9 months. I hope this week gets better soon. At least my husband is home all week.

Life

So life has been kind of crazy lately, and is just starting to get some sort or normalcy back to it. My grandmother passed away almost two months ago after a four month battle for her life. We knew she was sick but a week before she died we had no idea that it was that serious. Here is some background: almost 9 years ago she was diagnosed with kidney failure, she had been on dialysis 3 days a week ever since. Fast forward to February 18, 2008. She was scheduled to have a bypass on her right leg that week, but the pain was so unbearable that she was admitted to the hospital, she had the operation that Thursday. A week later the incision came open and she almost bleed to death, thank God my mom and I were there when it happened. From that time until her death she went back and forth between hospitals and the rehab. at the local nursing home. A week before she passed away she was transported back 45 minutes away, the original hospital where she had the initial surgery. We thought she would be able to have another bypass and come home and continue on her road to recovery. Then we were given the devastating news that she would have to have both of her legs amputated. At first we didn't know what to think and decided to let her make the decision. She agreed to go through with it, but was very scared and made sure to tell everyone that they needed to tack care of another. The night of her operation we were all at the hospital, my husband was at work. We had all been back to visit with her and my sister and I had just left the room. Not 20 minutes later they called a code blue. While we were hoping it was not her, I knew in my heart that it was. My husband immediately left work when I called him and was by my side through it all, and for that I will forever be grateful. They were able to revive her, but the next day, she coded again as we were trying to decide as a family if we should sign a DNR. When she coded that time, we told them to leave her alone, and with 19 family members present she passed.

We held a memorial service later that week, and so many people attended, I don't think she ever really knew how many people truly cared about her. She loved loud music and she loved to dance. So at the conclusion of the service we played James Brown "I fell good," to memorialize her spirit and as a symbol that she isn't hurting any more. She is dancing on the golden streets of heaven now.

While this was the most difficult thing I have ever experienced, I am learning to cope. I am so thankful for the 4 months that I had with her as I visited almost everyday, and sometimes more than once a day. I also learned many things about my family, one in particular that I would like to share is that we were pirates! According to my great-great aunt and great-grandpa, a great x 5 grandfather of mine, John Henry C, was a pirate in Maryland, he got to be so bad that he was run off at the threat of his life. He came down to the Eastern Shore of VA, from there they split to two parts of the VA coast. My family kept the original family name and the other added an "s" to the end of theirs so as not to be associated with the Maryland pirates. I was fascinated to learn this information.

While I still have my moments, I have started to go on with my life. It will never get any easier and I miss my grandma dearly, no one could ever replace her.