Meltdown :*(

I had my first ever TTC related meltdown. It was sparked by something silly, and then I just lost it. I know that I cried for at least and hour. I had a billion things running through my head.

FF is making it seem that I haven't o'd yet, which I was almost certain I had, I even went back to TCOYF to look at the charts in there and given my temp pattern so far its possible. I also had really good timing within that time frame. If I really o'd yesterday or O today like FF seems to think then I am SOL.

I was trying to go to sleep and it just hit me. Our best friends were pg after 3 cycles and ask all the time when we are going to give their son someone to play with. We started trying right after their son was born and he will be 1 the beginning of October. A 16 year old girl I work with at the grocery store is 6 months pg. Some other friends of ours got pg almost right away with their second this summer. All I could think was this is so not fair, I want this soo bad and can't have it and everyone around me does it with such ease. I wanted to talk to my husband about it, but he was sound asleep, so I just let him sleep.

Then I was thinking about my grandma and great-grandma and how its not fair that we lost them both so close together. So yea I had a rough night, and I'm not seeing today as being any better. I go into school at 11am and will get off from the grocery store at 10pm. I will be so exhausted that I won't feel like bding and yet another cycle will be down the tubes :(

I know that the fact that we are having to wait so long will only make us appreciate what we have even more when we finally have a baby, but this waiting stuff sure can put a lot of strain on ya.

It's been a while...

So I haven't posted since the beginning of August and here it is the middle of September. August was a very dramatic, traumatic, exciting time for me. So charting kinda got put on the back burner as did TTC because of travel, however we did manage to make things happen around the time they should have, but again because I wasn't charting I don't know that for sure.

Where to start, on Sunday August 10th my great-grandmother fell and broke her hip, she was 78 and had lots and lots of medical issues. We were leaving that day for the beach and the Drs. acted like everything would be fine so we went. Wednesday we get a frantic call from my aunt who says the Drs. have now told her that my Nana would not make it through the operation. So we packed up and came back home. My husband left on Thursday the morning of the operation to go to Illinois for his bff from colleges wedding.

My Nana made it through the surgery just fine and my husband called and said if you can get a flight then come on out for the wedding. I had to work Friday so I couldn't have gone with him anyway. So I found a flight to leave the airport closest to home at 6:20 am and arrive in Evansville, IN (about 30 mins from where the wedding was) at 11 am. The wedding was at 6 and I was there in plenty of time for everything. I wasn't going to go, but because my Nana came out of surgery safely and the fact that just 3 months before I had lost my grandma at 58 years old, I decided I wasn't going to let my life pass me by.

The wedding was great and we had a blast, plus we got some great quality time together driving 12 hours back home together.

By the time we got back home they told us my Nana had a blockage in her leg and that it needed to be amputated, however that she was not strong enough to survive the operation. My family decided to stop all medical treatment only giving her meds to help with the pain. It was this or her passing from the gang green that would set in, in her leg.

My mothers birthday is August 26th and we were all praying that she would survive past midnight, but it wasn't looking like that would happen. At 11:30 she stopped breathing we all came into the room with her obviously very upset and then she started gasping, we thought it was her body releasing gasses, but no, she started breathing again. And continued to breath until 12:55 on August 27th. She went very peacefully with the whole family in the room with her. I haven't quite figured out how to cope with it yet, however writing seems to be therapy for me. Both she and my grandma were so full of life a short time before their deaths and I think that is what makes their passing so much harder to accept.

On a lighter note I started my first official teaching job 2 weeks ago. And so far so good. For the most part all of my kids are really great, I have a few that I am going to make great before the end of the year, they just need that little extra push from someone who cares. I am also writing a proposal for a class to be offered next year on the history of our county! I am very excited about that.

Although I did not have the best summer, it had its moments and I know that things can only get better. My husband and I have started really trying again to make our dreams of having a baby come true. I have my yearly coming up soon, so I will know more about my situation then hopefully. I know we haven't been right on target every month, but 12 cycles and 10 months is starting to wear on me. Hopefully I will be posting great news very soon.

My goal over the next few weeks is to blog more, I think it will be an important part of keeping my sanity!